Trump’s new reality television show is “Survivor: Trump in the Shark Tank”; the concept is simple: the RNC ties Trump’s hands as tightly as possible before the DNC pushes him into a tank full of media sharks while the audience munches popcorn, eyes transfixed to the ensuing maelstrom. Kim Jong Hill is the master of ceremonies and gleefully monitors the activity from a gurney overlooking the tank, narrating the action in between breaths of oxygen from a mask administered by Huma Abedin.
When Trump appears too close to escaping, Hillary speaks fluent Parseltongue to the sharks, whose eyes widen in excitement, as someone from Team Hillary throws in some fresh, bloody chum to stir the pot. Although on the endangered species list, the still deadly Great White (The New York Times), the AlphaBet-Soup Hammerheads, a new species arising from inter-breeding among ABC/CBS/NBC and even the once docile Nurse Shark, Fox News, which has decided to join the ranks of its more deadly brethren sharks, swarm the tank ready to keep the audience glued to their seats while simultaneously keeping attention off Hillary whose attendees hold umbrellas over Her Heinous to keep the pesky Wikileaks from drowning her; after all, anyone who has seen “The Wizard of Oz” knows the unfortunate outcome of what happens when the Wicked Witch gets wet.
After the release of the now infamous 11-year old tape in which Billy Bush from “Access Hollywood” is heard bantering with Trump about women’s nether regions failed to completely put an end to Trump’s campaign, Team Hillary threw in another piece of chum in this week’s episode: an accusation by another woman Jessica Leeds who has claimed Trump groped her 30-years ago in First Class on a flight — probably at that time destined for a Democrat Funding Raising Events where one assumes such events are considered passe and mundane. Now that Trump is no longer a Democrat and running as a Republican, the media sharks and Hillary swoon like Victorian ladies at such talk and actions. However, a little research which journalists were once accustomed to doing would turn up some interesting facts such as Ms. Leeds’ employment by none other than the Clinton Foundation and her close friendship with the Shark Whisperer herself Hillary Clinton. It appears that Jessica Leeds’ story doesn’t quite hold water.
So for now, Trump, nicked and wounded, appears to have survived another round of “Survivor: Trump in the Shark Tank”; the next episode could be even bloodier if Kim Jong Hill has any say in the matter.
The second installment of the Trump – Clinton political cage fight ended yesterday with the Clinton News Network (CNN) miserably depressed that instead of polishing Trump off decisively, Hillary, freshly sealed and waxed, allowed the brash New Yorker to live and fight another day . After the previous Friday’s convenient release of an 11-year secret recording of then registered Democrat Donald Trump’s conversation with Billy Bush, host of “Hollywood Access,” in which he made a reference to felines, Trump apologized twice: once for his crude language and the second time for once being a Democrat. The entire episode reminded Trump that the single biggest mistake he has and could ever make is trusting a member of the Bush Family — or the RNC for that matter.
At Trump’s crude remarks, Democrat critics — returning from local performances of “The Vagina Monologues” and screenings of “50 Shades of Grey” — clutched their pearls, swooned on their fainting couches and motioned for their spelling salts. For a group so eager to remind us all that potential First Dude Bill Clinton’s oral engagements while he was in the White House were “just about sex” and lying under oath about it therefore acceptable, they certainly do have delicate sensibilities. (Radical punk rock group “Pussy Riot” was not available for comment, however.)
Before the debate, Trump appeared with a small gaggle of past Bill Clinton rape and sexual assault victims, attempting to imply that actions speak louder than words. During the debates, Bill Clinton appeared like a desiccated pickle and noticeably uncomfortable as he realized that a group of his unwilling sexual past conquests were seated a few rows away; he looked like he had gotten caught with his slick willy in the proverbial cookie jar.
After the debates, “Famous Actor” Robert De Niro released a video in which he acted and sounded like he suffered one too many head injuries while filming “Raging Bull” as he excoriated Trump for being unfit for the highest office in the land; it was particularly effective until remembering that DeNiro was reported as dismissing his buddy Bill’s oral activities as inconsequential.
The Mainstream Media, however, are recovering and remembering their true mission: to destroy the Donald and insure that Hillary is properly coronated and installed in the White House (and Bill is chained to a post in the backyard).
A miracle of modern medical science took place at Hofstra University on Monday, September 26, 2016 when Democrat Presidential Candidate Hillary Rodram Clinton managed to stand for 90 minutes physically unaided and without losing a shoe in the process during her debate with Republican Presidential Candidate, Donald Trump. (“Neutral” moderator Lester Holt, however, did manage a few verbal assists during the debate while Hillary’s phalanx of Secret Service physicians stood in the wings, armed with a case of Epipens, a motorized gurney and spare Depends should Hillary succumb to one of her catatonic states or one of her head-jerking seizures, which she passes off as a sort of retro punk-rock dance to attract Millennials.)
A cadre of Bill Clinton’s former paramours, those both willing and unwilling, were seated strategically in the audience shooting visual daggers at Bill Clinton’s sexual predator enabler, Hillary Clinton. Completely nonplussed, Bill nodded off in the audience while visions of interns in blue dresses danced in his head as he contemplated whether he and the Hill would have to return the White House silver with which they absconded after slipping out the back door during the Gore v. Bush lawsuit back in 2000.
As the debates gathered steam, American college students scuttled about in search of their cotton-ball lined, fluffy safe spaces while George Soros-funded agitators rioted in the streets insisting that certain lives matter while those of cops do not.
During the debates, freshly spackled and spray-painted Hillary demanded that Trump release his tax returns while Trump insisted that he had already emailed them to her earlier, probably no doubt intercepted by the Russians. Apparently, right after Hillary reset Russia’s relation with the US, the Russians returned the favor by hacking into her email and resetting her password. FBI Director Jame Comey later confirmed that Trump’s tax returns were part of the cache of Hillary’s 33,000 emails about yoga and her daughter’s Chelsea’s $10 Million Manhattan apartment, which also doubles as Hillary’s private medical laboratory where she has spare parts replaced. The 33,000 emails are no longer available for review and were shredded and used as confetti at the DNC where Hillary was proclaimed Queen after Henchwoman Debbie Washerwoman Schultz summarily dispatched the contender to throne, the hapless Bernie Sanders, after which Bernie immediately retreated to one of his several homes, paid in cash, to live out the rest of his halcyon days in blissful socialism.
While practicing her baseball hand signals with “Neutral Moderator” Lester Holt, Hillary threw the Donald a proverbial curve ball, accusing him of body-shaming former Miss Universe Alicia Machado from Venezuela — 20 years ago prior. Trump appeared temporarily glassy-eyed and unable to speak — similar to one of Hillary’s “spells,” but regained his footing enough to babble something about her penchant for over-eating.
With the second presidential debates two weeks away, the Hill will be setting her other eye on the Donald. Usually, by this point in the election cycle, the American public is normally jaded and can’t wait until the November election. With this amount of drama and excitement, there’s a growing movement to extend the election cycle into a second season!
A few days ago in a Los Angeles Superior Court, the doe-eyed yet formidable former in-house counsel to the eponymous Bikram Yoga Empire emerged victorious in her 20-count lawsuit against the hot and sweaty guru. Among other accusations, the British-educated lawyer and plaintiff, Ms. Jafa-Bodden had alleged sexual harassment and wrongful termination by Bikram after she refused to backdown from investigating accusations by a number of teacher trainees of sexual improprieties and even rape by Bikram himself.
Much to the relief of the grateful jury and Ms. Jafa-Bodden no doubt, the diminutive Indian satyr appeared in court in a suit rather than his trademark speedo and without the man-bun on top of his balding pate. With his long wiry black and gray hair drifting behind him like so much sulphur smoke in his wake, he was flanked by his corpulent defense counsel Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum, who visually bookended the very thin volume of substance by the name of Bikram Choudry.
Carla Minnard, one of Ms. Jafa-Bodden’s attorneys, appeared like Cindy Brady from “The Brady Bunch” who had grown up and traded in her pigtails for boxing gloves; she barely broke a sweat in the ring with both of Bikram’s clearly out-classed attorneys. Meanwhile, during the punitive damages phase of the trial, Mr. Quigley, Ms. Jafa-Bodden’s other attorney, wryly questioned the Slum Dog Millionaire — who claimed to be destitute — about his garage full of cars, the exact number of which was not clear, but somewhere in the neighborhood of 40-50 — all Rolls Royces, Bentleys and Ferraris. Regardless, Bikram’s collection could put Jay Leno’s collection of vintage autos to shame. When pressed further by Mr. Quigley about the cars, Bikram claimed that he no longer was the legal owner of the vehicles since he had a “verbal agreement” with Governor of California Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown to donate the cars to a children’s museum to which assertion a few of the jurists nearly exploded for want of laughing out loud.
Among other highlights from the two week trial, there was: testimony from former Obama White House counsel who testified that working at Bikram’s Yoga College of India was like working in a “horror show”; testimony from former outside counsel who testified that it was UNUSUAL to have a meeting with Bikram and NOT hear him verbally assaulting and denigrating female employees; and, of course, the humor derived from listening to Bikram’s attorneys attempting to create their own Perry Mason trial moments by telling the jury: that “there are two-sides to every pancake”; that Ms. Jafa-Bodden’s case is like “fluffy popcorn with only a kernel of truth”; and lastly, that the case had some allusion to a donkey’s nether regions in a reality television show.
Rumor has it that two of Bikram’s illustrious admirers, Bill Cosby and Bill Clinton, were nervously glued to the outcome of the trial while Ms. Bikram Choudry, Hillary Clinton and Huma Abedin Weiner are planning a support group for spousal enablers of misunderstood serial molesters.
There was a mysterious interruption in the DNC debates on Saturday, December 19, when Hillary Clinton did not return in a timely manner from the euphemistic Throne Room. Reporters speculated that Hillary, Bill and Caitlin Jenner were having a proverbial pissing contest on a Bernie Sanders’ urinal target.
The delay, however, was actually due to a group of college students who were emotionally agitated that their safe spot had been usurped by the candidates’ port-a-potty, and they were further aggrieved at having been microaggressed by the candidates’ hostile tone of voice and aggressive debate tactics.
Hillary became visibly annoyed after Sanders emerged victorious from the Throne Room to shouts of college students chanting, “Feel the Bern.” She was further disgusted by the conditions left by Sanders when she discovered her poll numbers had clogged the plumbing. Sanders responded that his socialist economic plan called for a mandatory tax of the 1% for one communal toilet for the 99%, centrally located in Washington, D.C.
To reduce carbon emissions and gas, one square of toilet paper, recycled from one print-out of the Omnibus spending bill, recently passed by Congress, would be provided for each visit and all reading material would be strictly prohibited to eliminate unnecessarily lengthy visits.
The DNC was later applauded for their handling of the DNC presidential debates by arranging a discreet time on the Saturday before Christmas to minimize attention drawn to the Democratic presidential candidates’ toilet visits.
In the aftermath of the terrorist attacks in Paris on Friday, Nov. 13, it has come to light that Brian Williams was actually on the ground reporting from all the physical attack locations in Paris simultaneously. Apparently, Mr. Williams — slightly injured in the attacks — interviewed Hillary Clinton, and she stated that the cause of the attacks was a YouTube film. When asked to identify which film, she said that that information was highly classified and contained on one of her personal file servers which has been temporarily misplaced.
Immediately after the 3 explosions outside the Stade de France where a soccer match between France and Germany was being held, the French team immediately surrendered to the German team where upon the German team felt an overwhelming need to march in a victory parade down the Champs Elysee.
Shortly after the attacks, Socialist President of France Hollande held a press conference and his immediate response was to increase France’s income tax from 95% to 100%; in order to appease the radical terrorists, Hollande has asked for a list of their demands. The terrorists have 3 demands: 1. all French cheese will be made from goat and camel milk only; 2. no more pork sausages and Parisienne jambon will be produced; and 3. for those European Muslims who can’t make the annual pilgrimage to Mecca, the Eiffel Tower will be encased in a large black box to which they can pray.
Not to be outdone, President Obama reacted swiftly by arranging a Beer Summit at the White House with all the heads of the radical Islamic groups around the world during which he promised to bow to every head of state of every Muslim country and arrange for effigies of Republican leaders to be burned in protest.
Finally, as Beirut was once called the “Paris of the Mediterranean,” Paris will now be known as “Beirut on the Seine.”
With less than two weeks left in the blurr of presidential debates and campaign ads and slogans, we are left holding our collective heads like the famous picture, “The Scream.” Obama has certainly taken his bid for reelection in directions hitherto unseen in presidential campaigns in what can only be deemed in the current vernacular — Gangnam-Style: a pulsing, hypnotic beat interspersed with unintelligible words and phrases and flashing psychotropic images.
In the first debate, villianous “Snidley Whiplash” Romney to the Left (Dudley Do-right to the rest) mentioned that he would cut public funding to Corporation for Public Broadcasting, home of “Sesame Street.” The incensed Obama campaign immediately saw a target-rich environment to attack Romney and claimed he would pull the plug on Big Bird.
The “Weekly Standard” ran an article entitled, “Big Bird is Big Business” in which it was reported that, “[i]n 2011 Sesame Workshop took in $46.9 million in licensing income from Sesame Street.” It turns out that Big Bird is part of the 1%! It’s surprising that Obama didn’t demand that Big Bird start paying his fair share!
Next up, during another debate segment, Mitt Romney stated that when he became governor of Massachusetts, he noticed that there were not many high-level women in state government, so he reached out for help in addressing the issue. The Massachusetts Women’s Political Caucus provided him a “binder” produced in 2002 by the Massachusetts Government Appointments Project in which were names and resumes of potential female candidates for high-level positions.
Smelling more “blood” in the water, Obama’s team of sharks jumped into action deriding Romney for “putting women in binders” — Bill Clinton, then, immediately interrupted demanding to know where this binder was…
After the US Ambassador to Benghazi, Chris Stevens and three other Americans were killed in a terrorist attack on the anniversary of 09/11 by a band of well-armed and organized terrorists, the Obama Administration spun a tale regarding a cheesy YouTube “movie” that apparently whipped the otherwise calm and collected Islamic terrorists into whirling dervishes that just happened to spin out of control and ended into murder and mayhem.
Instead of bringing the perpetrators to swift justice, the Obama administration blamed the Egyptian American “film-maker” and threw him into jail (where he sits now, scheduled to be released days after the election). Apparently, the Left is now not only against the 2nd Amendment but also against the 1st Amendment.
Lastly, Obama unleashed his secret weapon — unlocking the attic and releasing Vice President Joe “Crazy Uncle” Biden. When Biden addressed Chip Woods, the grieving father of fallen Navy Seal Tyrone Woods, Biden asked Mr. Woods, ‘Did your son always have balls the size of cue balls?’
There is yet another “silver lining” of the recent Supreme Court decision to let Obamacare stand; Democrats are now able to and should pass a law stating that all Americans should contribute to Obama’s re-election campaign. If Americans choose not to contribute, they will simply be taxed — or is the proper term “penalized”? (Chief Justice Roberts to decide when he returns from vacation in Malta.)
The boon to Obama’s campaign coffers will be immeasurable, benefiting all Americans, of course. Additional benefits of the Act would be an increase in employment since the US government will need to hire more IRS agents to insure compliance. Of course, waivers will be issued to labor unions (since they already contribute all their campaign contributions to Democrats already); illegal aliens (since their votes for Democrats are guaranteed); and the State of Nevada (for the simply reason that Democrat Harry Reid is their senator).
The better news is that the Act can be summarized in far fewer than 2,900 pages!
Nancy Pelosi, however, still insists that Congress will need to pass the bill before we can know what is in it.
Orwell was certainly prescient in “Animal Farm” when he invisioned a futuristic farm wherein the farm animals take over and establish democratic rule; unfortunately, the pigs in charge ultimately determine that while “all animals are equal … some are more equal than others.”
And, hence, we get Obamacare where everyone is taxed as a penalty for not carrying health insurance and also, ironically, where everyone is taxed anyway. President Barak Urkel Obama pontificated that no one earning less than $250,000 would see a tax increase under his administration, then he and the Democrat controlled Congress and the Senate passed Obamacare under the cover of moral darkness and amid the vicissitudes of political corruption and cronism. This was NOT a tax, the Democrats assured us — only it turns out that the Supreme Court just recently confirmed otherwise.
The Wall Street Journal’s Chief Economist figured that 75% of the cost of Obamacare will fall squarely on the backs of those making $150,000 or less per year — the last anyone checked $150,000 is less than $250,000 even to those who were taught “new math” at America’s prestigious public schools.
Her Highness Nancy Bela Lugosi Pelosi flying in on her Thai Stick from California’s Sodom By the Bay is now weighing in: Obamacare is a penalty that falls under the tax code. The White House Press Secretary spent 5 minutes trying to explain how the penalty is a penalty and not a tax. Meanwhile, Baghdad Bob is still proclaiming that Iraq is winning the war and the American military is being crushed by Saddam Hussein‘s superior forces.
The mental gymnastics and contortions these people must perform to justify Obamacare would make Hitler’s Minister of Propaganda Goebbel’s blush. Obamacare is now old enough, however, to begin to smell like rancid milk, and the American people are holding their collective noses.
Obamacare was supposed to be the magic bullet to our health care problems but instead it has caused many to begin dodging the bullet. The question must be asked: if Obamacare is so spectacular, why are so many companies and states asking for and getting waivers and exemptions from it?
So far, over 1,200 waivers have been issued, 20% of those to companies in Nazi Pelosi’s district alone, and at least one entire state, Nevada, Senate Majority Leader Dirty Harry Reid‘s state, has been exempted. Not surprising, of course, Congress is also exempted. Add labor unions and the various Obama-supporting corporations and you have a veritable menagerie of those who preached how wonderful it would be for all of us — apparently not for them.
Today, Chief Justice Roberts had the ability to put the stake through the heart of the 3,000 page Obamacare excrement foisted upon us by the likes of Nazi Pelosi, Dirty Harry Reid and Urkel Obamao, and he failed — miserably, so Obamacare pops back up to haunt and terrorize us again. Joining Sonia “The Wise Latina” Sotomeyor, Elena Kagan and Ruth Buzzie Ginsburg, Chief Justice Roberts wrote the majority opinion that stated that the mandate was really — a tax. Obama, Pelosi and Reid and their bands of flying monkeys swore up one side and down the other that Obamacare was NOT a tax. But then again, this administration was supposed to be the most transparent in history, then proceeded to cram a 3,000-page bill without allowing Americans to read and digest it then passed it without one Republican vote while all the while insisting that a mandate was not a tax when in fact it is — not only a tax but the biggest tax increase in the history of the country. Of course, a huge tax increase is exactly what the country needs to further depress the economy.
At least, Chief Justic Roberts got one thing right and reminded us all of our individual responsibilities and that elections matter:
“[These] decisions are entrusted to our Nation’s elected leaders, who can be thrown out of office if the people disagree with them. It is not our job to protect the people from the consequences of their political choices.”
It’s the US voters who need to drive that final stake into the heart of this monstrosity and the light-in-the-loafers, air-headed, collectivist meddlers who created it.
In the meantime, we have this to look foward to: