Before the 2016 US Presidential Election, Governor Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown said that if Trump were to be elected President, California would build its own wall — as if that would be a gigantic middle finger to the rest of the country. Now, that Trump is President Elect, the other 49 states are demanding to know when construction begins. The rest of the country is even willing to chip in to defray costs; Canada has even volunteered to send builders in hopes of containing and preventing loony celebrities in full apoplectic melt-downs like Lena Dunham, Cher and Rosie O’Donut from escaping into Canada.
After turning California into a Third World Fiefdom of Sanctuary City-States, Leftists have been fleeing to neighboring states — that actually still function and follow US laws, and where their cancerous ideas have begun to metastasize as they inflict their voting habits on their healthy unsuspecting neighbors. Not surprisingly, the other 49 states seem overly in favor of the Great Wall of Mexifornia and are beginning to seriously consider life without that gangrenous appendage. The Motor Voter Bill combined with the brilliant idea of giving drivers licenses to illegal aliens created an instant cache of hundreds of thousands of new “undocumented Democrat voters” just in time for the election.
Post-election analysis reveals that Madonna reneged on her offer to fellate any man who would vote for Hillary; as common wisdom reveals, the Left is full of empty promises. Madonna knew full well that there is barely enough collective testosterone in all Hillary supporters combined to enable even one healthy male to rise to the occasion.
After spewing sham polls, phony predictions and fraudulent analysis, the Clinton News Network, the New York Slimes and the rest of the tawdry, tired old pressitudes of the Mainstream Media hitched up their fishnet stockings and reapplied their false eyelashes before lecturing Americans that they were racist for electing an old white guy instead of an old white woman. “Fake News” is what the public should really be concerned about, said the charlatans posing as journalists.
Now, if the rest of country could sponsor a sting operation in the guise of a DNC Fundraiser or a Clinton Foundation Gala in Los Angeles to attract all the East Coast hustlers and chiselers, the builders could finish the Great Wall of Mexifornia and seal them all in together and give the rest of the country a chance to Make America Great Again.
On the night of the election, as state after state went from the Media’s favorite color blue to red for Donald Trump, the stoic neutrality of the Main Stream Media (MSM) was put to the test. The DNC’s propaganda ministers’ faces fell; some cried; and Anderson Cooper disappeared for a period and was last seen crawling into a whisky bottle at a local dive bar in Manhattan.
The day after the election, university professors called off midterm exams and handed out Play-Doh and coloring books to students who were confused and upset to learn that Kim Jong Hillary would not be coronated Queen after all. Fairness was in short supply; no participation trophies were awarded. Bewilderment turned quickly to anger and disappointment.
The next day, protests broke out in Blue Cities around the country, demanding that Trump be assassinated and Melania be raped. George Soros threw Hillary, his failed mouthpiece, over board and began employing basement dwellers to protest Trump. In addition to paying $15-$18/hour, as an added incentive, Soros promised to hand out “Love Trumps Hate” diaper pins, adult-sized pacificiers and half-priced “I’m with Her” campaign merchandise. Trump hasn’t even taken office yet and already unemployment has fallen!
Meanwhile, in order to raise funds to repay her biggest campaign contributors — the anti-American, radical Muslim countries of Saudi Arabi, Qatar and GeorgeSoros-stan, Hillary has decided to auction off to the highest bidder personally deleted emails from her personal file server. Huma’s face has started to appear on the side of milk cartons, and Obama has ordered his moving van.
“Make America Great Again!”
Last night, Tuesday, November 8, 2016, the Blue Wall crumbled as the Rust Belt states turned the designated Coronation of Kim Jong Hillary into a triumphant win for the Cheeto-faced Billionaire Donald Trump. Mainstream Media pundits’ faces fell and some actually melted in agony as they tried to make sense of the Trump Train as it steamrolled over them.
If the DNC-propagandists in the media had bothered to open their eyes and attend a Trump rally over the past several months, it should have been clear what was unfolding: flyer-over Americans of all stripes, the Official Deplorables, as Hillary had referred to Trump voters were rising up and demanding common sense from their elected politicians: secure borders, better trade deals, jobs and healthcare that is actually affordable instead of the signature “accomplishment” of the current administration: Obamacare.
The Deplorables disengaged themselves from the Republican and Democrat Establishment’s Matrix which insists on categorizing everyone by victim group, racial category and economic status — the Deplorables were simply American and green who demanded that the swamp in Washington, DC be drained of the graft and corruption that have become hallmarks of the establishment parties.
Nothing exemplified that swamp like the revelations about the media’s collusion with the DNC and insights into the Clinton Foundation as revealed through Wikileak documents which shed light on how Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State sold access and foreign policy favors and influence through “gifts” and contributions to the Clinton Foundation. What a money laundering scheme that was — and is. Perhaps, Bill and Hill will now have more time to devote to their “charitable” enterprises as the new Bonnie & Clyde of American politics.
In years past at this point in the election cycle with less than 2 weeks to go, voters would be anxious to get to election day so that they can discover which of the two Uniparty candidates will occupy the Oval Office, or in this case the Oral Office, should Hillary prevail and the First Dude Bill darken the White House threshold again. The Kabuki Theater that has become the US presidential cycle follows strict role-playing guidelines governing the two parties: the Democrats play the role of the abuser while the Republicans play the part of the abused spouse and the dysfunctional relationship is supported by the enablers of the abusers — the DNC propagandists, otherwise known as the Mainstream Media.
Unfortunately for the Washington, DC Drama Class of 2016, a transfer student appeared, unfamiliar with the established roles and with a complete indifference to them. Trump edged his way into the part of the Republican and wanted to rewrite the part, refusing the mantle of suffering victimhood, usually relished by past Republicans performers. As the saying goes, “the enemy of my enemy is my friend,” and suddenly, all the abusers, usurped victims and the enabled had one common enemy: Trump. Suddenly, the establishment Republican party joined forces with the Democrat party and their bully accomplices, the Media in an attempt to drive out the new kid on the block.
2016 has turned out to be a banner year in the theatre business since there were additional cast members who wanted to be included to help spice up the tawdry, antiquated script: Wikileaks, Gucifer, Assange, Snowden, et al, who have thrown the entire production script into last season’s dustbin. A new sort of drama has emerged: more of a hybrid reality performance art piece that actually encourages the audience to participate instead of falling asleep or slipping out the exits.
Finally, the audience are actively engaged after realizing the producers, George Soros and Saudi Arabia, to name just a few, had previously hand-picked the actors in prior productions and set the script according to the ending they wanted instead of the ending the audience paid to see.
While Hillary and Kaine, billed as “Kaine & Unable,” stumble across the stage, playing their old scripted parts, Trump interacts with the audience and plays against type to the delight of the audience and to the chagrin of the Media critics.
As entertaining as the new format is, my vote is to let the drama continue to unfold!
Trump’s new reality television show is “Survivor: Trump in the Shark Tank”; the concept is simple: the RNC ties Trump’s hands as tightly as possible before the DNC pushes him into a tank full of media sharks while the audience munches popcorn, eyes transfixed to the ensuing maelstrom. Kim Jong Hill is the master of ceremonies and gleefully monitors the activity from a gurney overlooking the tank, narrating the action in between breaths of oxygen from a mask administered by Huma Abedin.
When Trump appears too close to escaping, Hillary speaks fluent Parseltongue to the sharks, whose eyes widen in excitement, as someone from Team Hillary throws in some fresh, bloody chum to stir the pot. Although on the endangered species list, the still deadly Great White (The New York Times), the AlphaBet-Soup Hammerheads, a new species arising from inter-breeding among ABC/CBS/NBC and even the once docile Nurse Shark, Fox News, which has decided to join the ranks of its more deadly brethren sharks, swarm the tank ready to keep the audience glued to their seats while simultaneously keeping attention off Hillary whose attendees hold umbrellas over Her Heinous to keep the pesky Wikileaks from drowning her; after all, anyone who has seen “The Wizard of Oz” knows the unfortunate outcome of what happens when the Wicked Witch gets wet.
After the release of the now infamous 11-year old tape in which Billy Bush from “Access Hollywood” is heard bantering with Trump about women’s nether regions failed to completely put an end to Trump’s campaign, Team Hillary threw in another piece of chum in this week’s episode: an accusation by another woman Jessica Leeds who has claimed Trump groped her 30-years ago in First Class on a flight — probably at that time destined for a Democrat Funding Raising Events where one assumes such events are considered passe and mundane. Now that Trump is no longer a Democrat and running as a Republican, the media sharks and Hillary swoon like Victorian ladies at such talk and actions. However, a little research which journalists were once accustomed to doing would turn up some interesting facts such as Ms. Leeds’ employment by none other than the Clinton Foundation and her close friendship with the Shark Whisperer herself Hillary Clinton. It appears that Jessica Leeds’ story doesn’t quite hold water.
So for now, Trump, nicked and wounded, appears to have survived another round of “Survivor: Trump in the Shark Tank”; the next episode could be even bloodier if Kim Jong Hill has any say in the matter.
The second installment of the Trump – Clinton political cage fight ended yesterday with the Clinton News Network (CNN) miserably depressed that instead of polishing Trump off decisively, Hillary, freshly sealed and waxed, allowed the brash New Yorker to live and fight another day . After the previous Friday’s convenient release of an 11-year secret recording of then registered Democrat Donald Trump’s conversation with Billy Bush, host of “Hollywood Access,” in which he made a reference to felines, Trump apologized twice: once for his crude language and the second time for once being a Democrat. The entire episode reminded Trump that the single biggest mistake he has and could ever make is trusting a member of the Bush Family — or the RNC for that matter.
At Trump’s crude remarks, Democrat critics — returning from local performances of “The Vagina Monologues” and screenings of “50 Shades of Grey” — clutched their pearls, swooned on their fainting couches and motioned for their spelling salts. For a group so eager to remind us all that potential First Dude Bill Clinton’s oral engagements while he was in the White House were “just about sex” and lying under oath about it therefore acceptable, they certainly do have delicate sensibilities. (Radical punk rock group “Pussy Riot” was not available for comment, however.)
Before the debate, Trump appeared with a small gaggle of past Bill Clinton rape and sexual assault victims, attempting to imply that actions speak louder than words. During the debates, Bill Clinton appeared like a desiccated pickle and noticeably uncomfortable as he realized that a group of his unwilling sexual past conquests were seated a few rows away; he looked like he had gotten caught with his slick willy in the proverbial cookie jar.
After the debates, “Famous Actor” Robert De Niro released a video in which he acted and sounded like he suffered one too many head injuries while filming “Raging Bull” as he excoriated Trump for being unfit for the highest office in the land; it was particularly effective until remembering that DeNiro was reported as dismissing his buddy Bill’s oral activities as inconsequential.
The Mainstream Media, however, are recovering and remembering their true mission: to destroy the Donald and insure that Hillary is properly coronated and installed in the White House (and Bill is chained to a post in the backyard).
A miracle of modern medical science took place at Hofstra University on Monday, September 26, 2016 when Democrat Presidential Candidate Hillary Rodram Clinton managed to stand for 90 minutes physically unaided and without losing a shoe in the process during her debate with Republican Presidential Candidate, Donald Trump. (“Neutral” moderator Lester Holt, however, did manage a few verbal assists during the debate while Hillary’s phalanx of Secret Service physicians stood in the wings, armed with a case of Epipens, a motorized gurney and spare Depends should Hillary succumb to one of her catatonic states or one of her head-jerking seizures, which she passes off as a sort of retro punk-rock dance to attract Millennials.)
A cadre of Bill Clinton’s former paramours, those both willing and unwilling, were seated strategically in the audience shooting visual daggers at Bill Clinton’s sexual predator enabler, Hillary Clinton. Completely nonplussed, Bill nodded off in the audience while visions of interns in blue dresses danced in his head as he contemplated whether he and the Hill would have to return the White House silver with which they absconded after slipping out the back door during the Gore v. Bush lawsuit back in 2000.
As the debates gathered steam, American college students scuttled about in search of their cotton-ball lined, fluffy safe spaces while George Soros-funded agitators rioted in the streets insisting that certain lives matter while those of cops do not.
During the debates, freshly spackled and spray-painted Hillary demanded that Trump release his tax returns while Trump insisted that he had already emailed them to her earlier, probably no doubt intercepted by the Russians. Apparently, right after Hillary reset Russia’s relation with the US, the Russians returned the favor by hacking into her email and resetting her password. FBI Director Jame Comey later confirmed that Trump’s tax returns were part of the cache of Hillary’s 33,000 emails about yoga and her daughter’s Chelsea’s $10 Million Manhattan apartment, which also doubles as Hillary’s private medical laboratory where she has spare parts replaced. The 33,000 emails are no longer available for review and were shredded and used as confetti at the DNC where Hillary was proclaimed Queen after Henchwoman Debbie Washerwoman Schultz summarily dispatched the contender to throne, the hapless Bernie Sanders, after which Bernie immediately retreated to one of his several homes, paid in cash, to live out the rest of his halcyon days in blissful socialism.
While practicing her baseball hand signals with “Neutral Moderator” Lester Holt, Hillary threw the Donald a proverbial curve ball, accusing him of body-shaming former Miss Universe Alicia Machado from Venezuela — 20 years ago prior. Trump appeared temporarily glassy-eyed and unable to speak — similar to one of Hillary’s “spells,” but regained his footing enough to babble something about her penchant for over-eating.
With the second presidential debates two weeks away, the Hill will be setting her other eye on the Donald. Usually, by this point in the election cycle, the American public is normally jaded and can’t wait until the November election. With this amount of drama and excitement, there’s a growing movement to extend the election cycle into a second season!
A few days ago in a Los Angeles Superior Court, the doe-eyed yet formidable former in-house counsel to the eponymous Bikram Yoga Empire emerged victorious in her 20-count lawsuit against the hot and sweaty guru. Among other accusations, the British-educated lawyer and plaintiff, Ms. Jafa-Bodden had alleged sexual harassment and wrongful termination by Bikram after she refused to backdown from investigating accusations by a number of teacher trainees of sexual improprieties and even rape by Bikram himself.
Much to the relief of the grateful jury and Ms. Jafa-Bodden no doubt, the diminutive Indian satyr appeared in court in a suit rather than his trademark speedo and without the man-bun on top of his balding pate. With his long wiry black and gray hair drifting behind him like so much sulphur smoke in his wake, he was flanked by his corpulent defense counsel Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum, who visually bookended the very thin volume of substance by the name of Bikram Choudry.
Carla Minnard, one of Ms. Jafa-Bodden’s attorneys, appeared like Cindy Brady from “The Brady Bunch” who had grown up and traded in her pigtails for boxing gloves; she barely broke a sweat in the ring with both of Bikram’s clearly out-classed attorneys. Meanwhile, during the punitive damages phase of the trial, Mr. Quigley, Ms. Jafa-Bodden’s other attorney, wryly questioned the Slum Dog Millionaire — who claimed to be destitute — about his garage full of cars, the exact number of which was not clear, but somewhere in the neighborhood of 40-50 — all Rolls Royces, Bentleys and Ferraris. Regardless, Bikram’s collection could put Jay Leno’s collection of vintage autos to shame. When pressed further by Mr. Quigley about the cars, Bikram claimed that he no longer was the legal owner of the vehicles since he had a “verbal agreement” with Governor of California Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown to donate the cars to a children’s museum to which assertion a few of the jurists nearly exploded for want of laughing out loud.
Among other highlights from the two week trial, there was: testimony from former Obama White House counsel who testified that working at Bikram’s Yoga College of India was like working in a “horror show”; testimony from former outside counsel who testified that it was UNUSUAL to have a meeting with Bikram and NOT hear him verbally assaulting and denigrating female employees; and, of course, the humor derived from listening to Bikram’s attorneys attempting to create their own Perry Mason trial moments by telling the jury: that “there are two-sides to every pancake”; that Ms. Jafa-Bodden’s case is like “fluffy popcorn with only a kernel of truth”; and lastly, that the case had some allusion to a donkey’s nether regions in a reality television show.
Rumor has it that two of Bikram’s illustrious admirers, Bill Cosby and Bill Clinton, were nervously glued to the outcome of the trial while Ms. Bikram Choudry, Hillary Clinton and Huma Abedin Weiner are planning a support group for spousal enablers of misunderstood serial molesters.
There was a mysterious interruption in the DNC debates on Saturday, December 19, when Hillary Clinton did not return in a timely manner from the euphemistic Throne Room. Reporters speculated that Hillary, Bill and Caitlin Jenner were having a proverbial pissing contest on a Bernie Sanders’ urinal target.
The delay, however, was actually due to a group of college students who were emotionally agitated that their safe spot had been usurped by the candidates’ port-a-potty, and they were further aggrieved at having been microaggressed by the candidates’ hostile tone of voice and aggressive debate tactics.
Hillary became visibly annoyed after Sanders emerged victorious from the Throne Room to shouts of college students chanting, “Feel the Bern.” She was further disgusted by the conditions left by Sanders when she discovered her poll numbers had clogged the plumbing. Sanders responded that his socialist economic plan called for a mandatory tax of the 1% for one communal toilet for the 99%, centrally located in Washington, D.C.
To reduce carbon emissions and gas, one square of toilet paper, recycled from one print-out of the Omnibus spending bill, recently passed by Congress, would be provided for each visit and all reading material would be strictly prohibited to eliminate unnecessarily lengthy visits.
The DNC was later applauded for their handling of the DNC presidential debates by arranging a discreet time on the Saturday before Christmas to minimize attention drawn to the Democratic presidential candidates’ toilet visits.
In the aftermath of the terrorist attacks in Paris on Friday, Nov. 13, it has come to light that Brian Williams was actually on the ground reporting from all the physical attack locations in Paris simultaneously. Apparently, Mr. Williams — slightly injured in the attacks — interviewed Hillary Clinton, and she stated that the cause of the attacks was a YouTube film. When asked to identify which film, she said that that information was highly classified and contained on one of her personal file servers which has been temporarily misplaced.
Immediately after the 3 explosions outside the Stade de France where a soccer match between France and Germany was being held, the French team immediately surrendered to the German team where upon the German team felt an overwhelming need to march in a victory parade down the Champs Elysee.
Shortly after the attacks, Socialist President of France Hollande held a press conference and his immediate response was to increase France’s income tax from 95% to 100%; in order to appease the radical terrorists, Hollande has asked for a list of their demands. The terrorists have 3 demands: 1. all French cheese will be made from goat and camel milk only; 2. no more pork sausages and Parisienne jambon will be produced; and 3. for those European Muslims who can’t make the annual pilgrimage to Mecca, the Eiffel Tower will be encased in a large black box to which they can pray.
Not to be outdone, President Obama reacted swiftly by arranging a Beer Summit at the White House with all the heads of the radical Islamic groups around the world during which he promised to bow to every head of state of every Muslim country and arrange for effigies of Republican leaders to be burned in protest.
Finally, as Beirut was once called the “Paris of the Mediterranean,” Paris will now be known as “Beirut on the Seine.”