In the aftermath of the terrorist attacks in Paris on Friday, Nov. 13, it has come to light that Brian Williams was actually on the ground reporting from all the physical attack locations in Paris simultaneously. Apparently, Mr. Williams — slightly injured in the attacks — interviewed Hillary Clinton, and she stated that the cause of the attacks was a YouTube film. When asked to identify which film, she said that that information was highly classified and contained on one of her personal file servers which has been temporarily misplaced.
Immediately after the 3 explosions outside the Stade de France where a soccer match between France and Germany was being held, the French team immediately surrendered to the German team where upon the German team felt an overwhelming need to march in a victory parade down the Champs Elysee.
Shortly after the attacks, Socialist President of France Hollande held a press conference and his immediate response was to increase France’s income tax from 95% to 100%; in order to appease the radical terrorists, Hollande has asked for a list of their demands. The terrorists have 3 demands: 1. all French cheese will be made from goat and camel milk only; 2. no more pork sausages and Parisienne jambon will be produced; and 3. for those European Muslims who can’t make the annual pilgrimage to Mecca, the Eiffel Tower will be encased in a large black box to which they can pray.
Not to be outdone, President Obama reacted swiftly by arranging a Beer Summit at the White House with all the heads of the radical Islamic groups around the world during which he promised to bow to every head of state of every Muslim country and arrange for effigies of Republican leaders to be burned in protest.
Finally, as Beirut was once called the “Paris of the Mediterranean,” Paris will now be known as “Beirut on the Seine.”