A miracle of modern medical science took place at Hofstra University on Monday, September 26, 2016 when Democrat Presidential Candidate Hillary Rodram Clinton managed to stand for 90 minutes physically unaided and without losing a shoe in the process during her debate with Republican Presidential Candidate, Donald Trump. (“Neutral” moderator Lester Holt, however, did manage a few verbal assists during the debate while Hillary’s phalanx of Secret Service physicians stood in the wings, armed with a case of Epipens, a motorized gurney and spare Depends should Hillary succumb to one of her catatonic states or one of her head-jerking seizures, which she passes off as a sort of retro punk-rock dance to attract Millennials.)
A cadre of Bill Clinton’s former paramours, those both willing and unwilling, were seated strategically in the audience shooting visual daggers at Bill Clinton’s sexual predator enabler, Hillary Clinton. Completely nonplussed, Bill nodded off in the audience while visions of interns in blue dresses danced in his head as he contemplated whether he and the Hill would have to return the White House silver with which they absconded after slipping out the back door during the Gore v. Bush lawsuit back in 2000.
As the debates gathered steam, American college students scuttled about in search of their cotton-ball lined, fluffy safe spaces while George Soros-funded agitators rioted in the streets insisting that certain lives matter while those of cops do not.
During the debates, freshly spackled and spray-painted Hillary demanded that Trump release his tax returns while Trump insisted that he had already emailed them to her earlier, probably no doubt intercepted by the Russians. Apparently, right after Hillary reset Russia’s relation with the US, the Russians returned the favor by hacking into her email and resetting her password. FBI Director Jame Comey later confirmed that Trump’s tax returns were part of the cache of Hillary’s 33,000 emails about yoga and her daughter’s Chelsea’s $10 Million Manhattan apartment, which also doubles as Hillary’s private medical laboratory where she has spare parts replaced. The 33,000 emails are no longer available for review and were shredded and used as confetti at the DNC where Hillary was proclaimed Queen after Henchwoman Debbie Washerwoman Schultz summarily dispatched the contender to throne, the hapless Bernie Sanders, after which Bernie immediately retreated to one of his several homes, paid in cash, to live out the rest of his halcyon days in blissful socialism.
While practicing her baseball hand signals with “Neutral Moderator” Lester Holt, Hillary threw the Donald a proverbial curve ball, accusing him of body-shaming former Miss Universe Alicia Machado from Venezuela — 20 years ago prior. Trump appeared temporarily glassy-eyed and unable to speak — similar to one of Hillary’s “spells,” but regained his footing enough to babble something about her penchant for over-eating.
With the second presidential debates two weeks away, the Hill will be setting her other eye on the Donald. Usually, by this point in the election cycle, the American public is normally jaded and can’t wait until the November election. With this amount of drama and excitement, there’s a growing movement to extend the election cycle into a second season!